Death leaves an invisible silence, a wrenching disappearance of love’s voice and presence.

Your father held you in your first moments, poured his love and life into your cup, and told stories that created a fabled purpose from the dull chaos.  And then he was no more.
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Are loved ones gone forever when they die?

They live a new, unselfish life within the murky, star-forming nebula of our memories.  We conjure them in moments of anxiety, sing along with them in the music they loved, and see how they once adored us as we tuck our children into bed.  And beyond our perceptions, they exist as nothing and everything.

And if we don’t keep a keen eye on the outside world, we may miss them there as well.  On a birthday I looked down and saw this dirty little puddle.  I paused, noting that it was heart-shaped.  And as great art can move mountains within us, so too can dirty puddles speak for the dead:

I love you.

it said.

~

In the moment my father died there was a beautiful, September-like sky, crisp and blue like the month he entered the world.  He shone in the sunlit footprints of his granddaughter as she ran down the sandy beach, brimming with her young life, a torch of his own.

My father jammed the electromagnetic waves of the police trying to call my cell phone to tell me of his demise.  Four times I answered the phone to static, which has neither happened before nor since.  Stay in this brilliant moment a little while longer, son. I’m with you and your family over this warm beach blanket as I join the sky, reveling in your daughter’s giggles.  Remember nothing in the universe has produced a greater sound.

We are of the world when we are born into it, why should we not remain of it when we die?

Look for your loved ones, hear them, sense them, and hold on in inexplicable ways.

auroraI used to think of Thanksgiving as the supremely humble, agenda-less holiday most deserving of our celebration. As an American adaptation of harvest festivals found in other cultures, it seems at once natural, secular, and modest. Yet as I called a lovely woman a few days before the holiday to inform and counsel her that she has cancer, the notion of millions of others “giving thanks” rang hollow, selfish, self-referential, and arrogant. The turkey on her table was unexpectedly as rotten as the necrotic mass in her pelvis, and her many arriving guests were suddenly interlopers in her nightmare. Perhaps there is a better way to frame the loaded notion of “giving thanks” that does not presuppose blessings, special entitlements, and personal good fortune.

The act of giving thanks necessarily involves a transaction between an actor and a receiver. Giving thanks is a reaction to something bestowed. This problem of agency is what makes Thanksgiving fundamentally flawed. An unseen God known via faith can be thanked, but to do so takes a egotistical leap over the woman with cancer. What has she received from this same God? Instead, giving thanks seems most appropriate for the transparent exchange, such as that which occurs between human actors helping one another.

So what notions would be most honorable, most worthy of our sacred celebration? The best abstract ideas I could come up with would be reverence, humility, wonder and awe.

Reverence for humanism, the natural world on Earth, a newborn child’s silky head, the brilliance of the stars, and the capacity of love.

Humility that grasps our frailty, our inherent flaws, and the acceptance that every action we commit, even those considered altruistic, is ultimately self-serving.

Awe at the enormity of the universe from galaxy to gluon, the stubborn and heroic perseverance of life, comets from the Oort belt grazing the Sun, and the beauty of snow flurries falling as we exalt in the pleasures of sharing pumpkin pie.

If we were all equally blessed, or if there were some rational justice that determines who suffers, then we should say “thanks.” Otherwise I think a good prayer before the feast should focus on the ideas of reverence, humility, and awe… and to give thanks to those who journey along with us.

Food Truck Examining Room
Given that our health care system has become a bloated carcass of once honorable intentions, I think a fundamental redesign of the examining room is in order.  For beyond the doctor and patient, the physical room which contains their ebullient repartee is the next logical target for improvement.  Here is one radical idea that may need only a few tweaks:

The foodtruckexaminingroom will roam from town to town across the United States, stopping in major cities and small towns with main streets in order to provide excellent medical consultations. The charge will be $25 per “visit”, with home made food gifts strongly encouraged. A medical “plan for your local doctor with malpractice coverage” will be generated from each visit, and will be thoroughly excellent.

The nerve center of the truck, and the heart and soul of this new concept, will be a very casual exam room inside the truck. There will be two chairs, a table, optional wine glasses, and a plush 1970′s style shag rug. A Norman Rockwell will be on the wall, a subtle and ironic nod to the midcentury demise of the “real” family doctor. Perhaps a bring-one-take-one-used-book-shelf will invite the free flow of subversive leftist literature.

A wine rack will be on the wall, highlighting the virtues of moderation and zinfandel.

Please rest assured there will be music gently streaming in the background, ranging from such therapeutic artists as Chopin, James Brown, and The Alabama Shakes. A nice, toothless, fluffy (and occasionally smelly dog) named Babaganoush will smile and purr gracefully at each patient, inviting intimacy and reducing anxiety from the start. For an additional 50 cents, “Baba” will roll around on your back, simulating a low cost sort of medical massage.

The truck will strive to park under shady trees in warm weather, and to maintain an alternate, open-air exam “area” with folding chairs. This area will have little to no privacy and so will be an optional, flagrant violation of HIPPA standards. A discretionary campfire, with a “Saturday Sausage Sizzle” (TM – trademark, all rights reserved) will mesh seamlessly with America’s entrenched tail-gating and RV culture.

On the top of the foodtruckexaminingroom will be perhaps the most important engineering feats – a mobile greenhouse growing organic kale, herbs, tomatoes, and mint for mojitos and tea. It will be fertilized periodically with excrement from the 500 pound, fully operational chicken coop. Free range chickens will be let out during the day to wander around eating local bugs, and will produce about a dozen organic eggs per day, which will be given to the first 12 patients of each session.

A beehive will be maintained on the roof as well, with honeybees diligently avoiding Bayer’s neonicotinoid pesticides, and Monsanto’s GMO crops, to bring us delicious honey, always on tap directly from the hive.

The rear of the truck will be retrofitted with a freezer for chocolate ice cream, the exclusive and happily restrictive diet that will be recommended for all willing nonagenarians.

The exercise zone will be fairly minimalistic, purposefully demonstrating that one really needs to just move around. The tai chi manual must be returned before sunset.

I am currently seeking investors and start up venture capital for this concept. I believe it to be scalable, yet inherently resistant to the mind-numbing, evil tendencies of big corporate paradigms and six sigma cannibalism. This concept will be “intuitive” and “quite natural” for patients willing to step inside the food truck and get some healing. Please allow me to clarify any questions you may have, and I would happily entertain suggestions for improvement.

A Review of Chronic Resilience, a book by Danea Horn

September 12, 2013

Author Danea Horn has written a book entitled Chronic Resilience in which she describes “10 sanity-saving strategies for women coping with the stress of illness.” I read a copy of the book and highly recommend it. The stresses of being ill and suffering from chronic illness are manifold. Just today I listened to a woman […]

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Vomiting, Diarrhea, and Our Place in the Universe

July 29, 2013

I’m not sure I can live up to the promise of this post, but as I crouched naked on my hand and knees this weekend, crippled in the 6th hour of profuse diarrhea and vomiting, a few thoughts came to me. First, how woefully miserable it is to feel sick. Not just sniffly-nose-nasal-congestion-sick, but rather […]

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Diagram of the Human Body Using Etymologies

July 11, 2013

The origin of a word is fascinating, and the etymology of a word’s evolution tells a story.  You can almost picture syllables and letters marching like armies through distant lands – Old England, Low Germany, Ancient Greece… or rising up from a dark, primordial world of shapeless magic to take form and structure. I’ve changed […]

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Hail the Sunshine Act (?)

June 8, 2013

Do you want to know if your doctor has been eating pizza for lunch that was purchased by Pfizer as she listened to a drug rep describe a new medication? Do you want to know if your endocrinologist has been paid $1,500 to give a brief talk about a new injectable diabetes medication to his […]

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Senile Miosis

May 4, 2013

The pupils of the eye become smaller as we age, shrinking to a mere third of their robust, youthful size. You knew this, even if you were not aware of the vanishing look in your grandmother’s window, the reptilian ooze of warm blood over the cliff. Open wide. Please. Open wider, so that we might […]

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Does Having Allergies Reduce the Risk of Brain Cancer?

April 7, 2013

As anyone with seasonal allergies to tree pollen knows, allergy season has begun. Aside from the sneezing, itchy eyes, nasal congestion, and general sense of being ill, is there anything good about this springtime immune system dysfunction? I came across some evidence that might slightly relieve that annual sense of “suffering” – having allergies of […]

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